Punk Ass Aliens Kidnapped Toxic Tommy!

I was abducted by a bunch of little grey bastards in a flying saucer. They shoved a probe up my ass, and then up my nose. The little scum-bags didn't even bother to wipe my shit off the motherfucker.

Then I was dragged into a room and they made me watch some cheesy 1970's porno movies and made me jerk-off into a jar. Those little fucks didn't even pay the same rate the classier sperm banks pay. All I got was a bus ticket and some food stamps.

To add insult to injury, they dropped me off in some corn field full of crop circles nowhere near the fucking bus line to get home. They said that maybe I got the DNA to create another Jesus or Elvis. But I suspect they like "cream" in their coffee.

Getting home was an ordeal, a red head with big tits and ass to match in a Ford Bronco gave me a ride but, kept me as a sex slave for a week in her mobile home. I swore next time the Aliens get pay-back and payback ain't a bitch, it's a motherfucker!

I figured they nailed me with an "implant" so I was fucked, they'd find me and probe me again. Then I knew what I needed to do. I concocted a stink bomb of inhuman proportions!

Well, two weeks later I was staggering home at 3a.m. and suddenly I blacked out and woke in the strange ,round, white, room. They got me again, not knowing that my canvas bag held a deadly "TURBO ALIEN KILLER STINK BOMB" So I tell the little fuckers, "Yo boys, I got youse a little house warming present"

"It's an air freshener, uncap and enjoy"

Well, the little bastard and opened the pickle jar and all I can remember is the projectile vomit flying out of my mouth and nose. All I smell is puke and the boiling acidy bile tearing me up, from the inside as I vomit and I pissed my pants.

The sound of trucks in a nearby corn field is what I heard first. Then the sky was filled with helicopters. When the saucer crashed. I must have been thrown clear, or thrown out. I was able to sneak away without getting picked by the government para-military dudes who where picking up the "weather balloon wreckage". I made it to a nearby place and realized it was a hippie commune called "Hash Knife Ranch"

I ate my way back to health on veggie burgers, free love,and kind bud. So I shared my secret weapon against alien scum with them, and once again I became a sex slave. Since there is only so much hippy culture I can stand, I cut out of there.

Oh yeah, well since I got back to Indy, I've been threatened, followed, audited, bugged, by agents of different powers.

THE FOLLOWING DEADLY STINK BOMB SHOULD ONLY BE USED AGAINST GREY-ALIEN SCUM AND THEIR HUMAN BOOT-LICKING PUPPETS

The Grey Bastard Zapper
(a good old fashioned stink bomb)

1/2 lb. raw chicken parts
1 tsp. lemon juice
1 raw egg
The liquid from 1 can Tuna fish

Combine all items except the chicken and pour into a glass jar, add chicken and tightly cap the jar. This fucker will ferment so leave it outside in case the jar cracks.

To detonate: Break jar or uncap

For time bomb: tape fire cracker to jar with lit cigarette taped next to the fuse. This will give you a few minutes to clear out. For longer planted time allowences you can load the shit in a latex glove instead of a glass jar. This is ideal to leave in office settings.

Fight the good fight, have fun, trust no beings from other realities!

Toxic Tommy